| Am I entirely wrong about everything? Sometimes I wonder. I can't write anymore, just like I can't paint decent portraits anymore. Sometimes I wonder if both my artistic merit and my ability to make beauty have both gone to shit. I'd take up math, or science, but I find that those two subjects have more appeal to me as philosophies or concepts or abstractions than actualities. I was on the number four bus a while ago and there was a boy reading a book entitled, "A Brief History of Time". It was all about things like particle theories, the big bang, wavelengths, and just hyper physics-chemistry-math things in general. Concepts like those seem so enormous and incomprehensible to me that I'm entirely interested in learning about them. It's all the ridiculous things like algebra, organic chemistry and train A hitting train B that I'm not so keen on. I understand how Einstein was brilliant with complex equations that nobody could understand, while unable to do simple math. It's because the simple math is too much of a reality. Maybe not for Einstein. But for me. Simple math is a reality. Yet math is such an abstract, ridiculous concept that seems like it should hold no relevence to the world around us.
On an unrelated note, I started my New Year's Resolutions the other day, that long list of shit that I end up writing every new year's eve, none of which actually come to realization. I was considering just not doing the list this year, but decided against that notion. This has become too much of a strange tradition that's been engrained in me since age eleven not to reiterate for the zillionth time. And this list, of course, resembles almost exactly all the lists preceding it. And there's no surprise there. I'm furthering my limbo by never doing the things on my New Year's Resolutions list, and by continuing to write them down year after year. And for that, sure, I deserve another year of comfort knowing that I'm doing something to improve myself by simply writing down a string of words that prescribe a general solution to a general problem I've been suffering from for years.
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